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Why People Lie And Why People Believe Them

“I won’t be leaving
I won’t let you go
Ain’t that what you said?
Ain’t that what you said?
Ain’t that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar”

Three Dog Night

            When I was in high school, I knew a kid who would have been a great fiction writer because he told a lot of fiction when he talked with me.  This person spoke of things as if he was an expert in the subject whether it be world travel or sports or cars.  Yet, when checked he was not telling the truth – he was lying!  He had never been where he said he had been, he did not play the sport he said he had played, and they have never driven the car he said he had, he simply flat out lied.  Why??

            It has been reported that our president has lied around 9 times a day – or over 6400 times in 640 days.  Early in this administration these lies were known as “Alternate Facts.”  The latest lie coming from Trump is he never said Mexico was going to pay for the wall.  Even though there is video evidence, vocal recordings and press reports that he did indeed say Mexico would pay for the wall he is now denying that he said it.  Often lies are covered up with other words such as misspoke, misrepresentation, mistake, or error.  However, Trumps lies, he purposefully tells people things that he knows are not true.  The other day I read about someone who said that Trump does not lie because he honestly believes what he is saying is true.  Nope, still lying. 

            So, without really picking on the person I know or on President Trump or on you or me because I know I have lied and can imagine you have too.  The question is why do people lie and why do people believe them even when it can be proven they have lied? 

            A major premise of Non-Violent Communication is everything we do and say is a strategy to meet a need.   We may not be aware at the time what that need might be, we may not be mindful of why we do what we do, but we are attempting to meet a need.  Without this mindfulness there is a good chance our need will not be met. 

            As I was going through training in NVC (Non-Violent Communication) my Sensei told us when people lie, they are doing their best to protect themselves.  The need lying meets is protection – when we lie, we attempt to protect ourselves from ourselves or others.  What this means is we lie to make sure others don’t hurt us or get hurt.  We lie to protect people from the truth because as in the movie A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth.”  We believe the other person cannot handle the truth and we want to protect them to keep them safe or perhaps we tell ourselves they can’t handle the truth to protect us.  However, when the truth is learned we quickly learn they could handle the truth they cannot handle being lied to.  The latest lie coming from Trump brings out the other point.  The world knows that Trump has said Mexico will pay for the wall, so why lie and continue to lie.  The reason is the second aspect of lying, protecting yourself from yourself.  Let me explain what I mean.  Trump is lying to protect himself from himself.  He is like all of us when we tell ourselves things that are not true.  Trump has told himself that he is a wonderful deal maker, he is the best.  He does this to cover the fact that he is not a very good deal maker – just check his track record.  Trump does not connect with who he really is, he is in his mind a great person, wonderful deal maker, great friend, and always tells the truth.  Hence, his use of the phrase “Fake News.”  So, in order to keep himself away from who he really is, he lies, he lies to cover up all things he has said and done.  He lies to attempt to continually present himself as this fantastic person, the best person who has ever lived.  He lies to protect himself from himself – he lies to protect himself from realizing that he has done harm to himself, his family, and in the case of being president, the world.  So, he has the best, largest inauguration ever and no, he did not say Mexico would pay for the wall. 

It is important to recognize that no one can talk him into believing he has lied.  He is entrenched in believing he has not lied, even with video evidence, because if he confessed he lied in his mind, his world would come to an end.  Which interestingly enough is a lie he tells himself constantly.  So, as we speak of Trump – he lies, a lot, is confronted about it, ignores the confrontation and continues to lie because he is protecting himself from himself.  He is telling himself he is the best president ever, nothing will convince him otherwise, he is telling himself he is the best business man ever, nothing will convince him otherwise.  He lies to protect himself from himself, from who he really is.  He is too scared to connect with who he really is, so he lies to keep the façade alive as to who he thinks he is, the person he has created to protect himself from who he really is.    

            Interestingly enough that is why we all lie – to protect ourselves from others or from ourselves.  The joy of NVC is to be able to connect with who we really are, what is really happening for us right now, what are we doing and what need are we meeting.  Poor Donald Trump does not experience that joy, he, at present is not able to connect to why is his doing what he is doing.  He is hiding the real Donald Trump from us. He is not able at this time to connect with the person he really is so who he presents to us is someone who is disconnected and appears uncaring and shallow. 

            So, people lie, Donald Trump lies but the question remains, why do people believe the liar – why do people believe Donald Trump when it can be proven he lies?  Ironically it is a strategy to meet the same need – protection. 

            Let’s look at the current situation with the wall.  People have been inundated with the fear that “they” are coming to get you and yours.  When people in power and position say something, we have been trained to believe them.  This is the case.  Our president has said over and over there is a crisis at the border, people who cross the border illegally are coming to get you and they will kill you and take your belongings.  There is a very real atmosphere of fear.  What does one do when one is afraid – protect yourself.  That is what is happening.  There is fear, that fear is stoked by more claims and accusations then we must believe the one who is supposed to protect us from this danger.  We must build a wall.  You see it doesn’t matter what Trump says, the fear is instilled, we must protect.  Oh, and by the way don’t try and talk these supporters out of being afraid, they will either deny they are afraid or come up with information that backs up their fears.  What then can be done?

One thing that can’t be done is to call a person a liar – it just doesn’t work, Trump is a prime example.  He doesn’t care he will continue his life alienating behavior no matter.  No one in the world has ever calmed down when told to calm down.  So it is when someone is not telling what actually happened.  Remember the goal of NVC is not to “fix” the person who is perceived to have a problem.  No, the goal of NVC is to find strategies where everyone’s needs can be met.  Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC tells a story in his book, Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, 3rd ed. that relates to our situation well.  He tells of seeing his younger son taking a fifty-cent piece from his sister’s room.  He asked, “Did you ask your sister whether you could have that?”  “I didn’t take it from her” was his response.  Visual evidence pointed to the fact that he took the money however, to protect himself he denied that he had taken the money.  One of the options Dr. Rosenberg had was to call him a liar which would not have gotten anyone’s needs met. He could also do something different.  He could either empathize with his son in that moment or he could express what he was feeling and needing.  He describes it wasn’t so much what he said but what he did.  He listened and heard his son’s fear, his need was to protect himself – so he did not tell what actually happened.  Dr. Rosenberg goes on to say by empathizing with his son he was able to make an emotional connection where both of them could have their needs met. 

“People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault”

 Marshall Rosenberg

            So, what can we do?  Don’t blame – hard to do I know. With those who believe the stories of the president we need to empathize and listen to their fear.  Contribute to them and encourage them to connect with their need and help them find strategies to have their needs met that are life affirming, where everyone’s need is met, even those who are attempting to come into our country.  It doesn’t mean there will not be frustration, anger, sadness for you and them, but if they are not heard their strategy will not change because they do not know what they need.  As for you, stay connected, stay compassionate with yourself, stay connected with your needs and by all means do not hesitate in letting people know what you are needing. 

“The spirituality that we need to develop for social change is one that mobilizes us for social change”

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

As for Trump, in a power over situation, which is what we have, we must continue to let those in power know what we are feeling and needing.  Stay active!  Mobilize, write, call and discuss what is happening and what you are feeling and needing.  Continue to speak out, do not give up on your feelings and needs.  Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication the “Magic Show” keep active, keep moving, stay connected and watch the magic show.

Joy to you!

Mark

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The Giving Scale: Don’t Let Fear Steal Your Joy

On Sunday Dan Sauvageau, a developer from Roseville, California, took his heavy-duty GMC truck with a 16-foot livestock trailer into Magalia after the fire to rescue animals. Locals had told him they had seen dogs and cats in the area, and he came out with 14 lost pets that he took to a makeshift shelter near the Chico airport. He had planned to go home, but stayed into the next day to rescue more animals in Butte County.

“I love animals, but more I hate the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. It’s the worst feeling,” he said. “Those people down there feel helpless and I want to help pull out as many (animals to safety) as I can,” he told David K. Li, a reporter for NBC news.

Dane Ray Cummings, a Waste Management driver, had just been called off his route in Magalia, California due to the fire that was nearing town. Eric Levenson, a CNN reporter describes how Cummings decided to make a last minute check on some of the elderly on his route and found 93-year-old Margaret Newsom in the street. Her morning caregiver wasn’t there and she hadn’t been able to call anyone because her phone and electricity were off. She had gathered up her medications and using her walker had made her way to the street.

With some help from neighbors she was lifted into the cab and her walker was strapped to the side of the truck. On the way out of town Cummings called a co-worker, Brian Harrison, to let him know he wasn’t sure with to do with his passenger. Harrison, a single dad, said it was a “no brainer” she was going to stay with him.

Newsom has no family in the area, and they have found it will be several months before she can return to her home. Harrison’s children were excited to hear that. “They’ve grown to love her. They just want to keep her,” he said. Or as Newsum put it, “I’m like a stray puppy the kids fell in love with.”

CNN reporter, Melissa Gray, shared the story of Leland Ratcliff, captain of the US Forest Service’s Feather River Hotshot crew and one of over 50 firefighters that continue to fight fires although they have lost their homes. Captain Ratcliff saw the flames coming in enough time to evacuate his family and pets and grab a few important papers. He then had the choice of going back to save more of the family belongings, or go warn others of the impending danger. He chose the latter, not only warning people but also rescuing them and transporting them to a safe location. With that choice, he lost valuable family mementoes that can never be replaced.

Jarrod Hughes, a sergeant with the Colusa Police Department, had just enough time to get his son and pets out safely before the fire took his house as well. He knew he had to go back and help.

 

When asked if he considered himself and others like him brave, he paused and then replied, “No, I don’t know. No. We just do what we do because we like it. We like helping people. The adrenaline rush and helping people. We like making a difference.”

 

We like making a difference. That is the common thread in all of the above stories. People want to help other beings. Can you remember the last time you helped someone? Can you remember how it felt? It’s magical. Marshall Rosenberg calls this the greatest need. We want to contribute to others above all else. We are social creatures. It is our nature to want to connect with others, to bond with others, to help each other.

 

I would argue that our primary needs are not, as Maslow described, based on physical comfort and safety. We see too many instances of people helping others at a risk to their basic comfort and safety. Our most primary needs are to contribute to and connect with others.

 

What keeps us from doing this? Stories. Stories we hear and tell ourselves about a threat to our own comfort and safety can sometimes get in the way of giving ourselves the joy of contributing and connecting. Stories about others coming to take what we have, stories about what others will think, all kinds of stories that keep us afraid and prevent us from giving to others.

 

Matt Ketchum, living in the Bay area of California, was planning on spending Thanksgiving with his sister in Texas. David Debolt of Bay Area New Group described how Ketchum just couldn’t bring himself to spend money on the plane ticket knowing there were people who were homeless after the Camp Fire. “So the heavy equipment operator who’s been working in the Bay rented a 15-passenger van, called his friend Austin Caldwell of San Jose, and headed for Chico. His company gave him a fuel card, his union, Local 3, donated $200 in Visa gift cards and a family friend who owns an insurance business in Half Moon Bay donated $600 in $20 Target gift cards.” Both these men were able to silence the stories in their minds about why they shouldn’t/couldn’t help, and leapt into unknown.

 

And that is what it takes, a leap of faith. Our hearts call us to these adventures, knowing that is our true calling. We are meant for this, we will find our joy here. We don’t make it easy on ourselves. We tell others and ourselves stories everyday about how scary our world and each other are. Just look at the headlines. Climate change will batter the economy. Man shot at mall packed with shoppers. Rain complicates finding remains from California fires.

 

But what can we do? How do we get to the place where we can give from our hearts to each other? And believe me, we only want to do it willingly. We’ve all had experiences of doing things because we should or have to. They will cost others and us in the long run. No, we have to figure out how to see past the fear, and want to jump.

 

 

It’s a balancing act really, how to tip the scale more towards our desire to give and less towards all the stories feeding our fear. That’s the trick. We can work at it from both ends of the scale. On the fear side we can lighten the load by trying to look objectively at what is causing the fear. Is it really as bad as we are telling ourselves? Can we do anything to help ourselves feel safe? Ultimately, we have to get at it with the power of emotions. Our stories are powerful, and they will fight our attempts to “think” our way out of them. What really works is facing them head on, acknowledging our longing to feel safe, and then tapping into our memories of feeling safe in the past. Feel those memories in our bones, our gut, and our heart. Let the peace of safety wash over us and float in it. Now use that same power on the giving side of the scale. Remember a time you really enjoyed contributing. Feel it throughout your body, celebrate that joy. There! Now you are ready! Jump into that unknown and connect with someone else, feel the joy the universe has been waiting for you to claim.

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