Dangerous

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Why People Lie And Why People Believe Them

“I won’t be leaving
I won’t let you go
Ain’t that what you said?
Ain’t that what you said?
Ain’t that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar”

Three Dog Night

            When I was in high school, I knew a kid who would have been a great fiction writer because he told a lot of fiction when he talked with me.  This person spoke of things as if he was an expert in the subject whether it be world travel or sports or cars.  Yet, when checked he was not telling the truth – he was lying!  He had never been where he said he had been, he did not play the sport he said he had played, and they have never driven the car he said he had, he simply flat out lied.  Why??

            It has been reported that our president has lied around 9 times a day – or over 6400 times in 640 days.  Early in this administration these lies were known as “Alternate Facts.”  The latest lie coming from Trump is he never said Mexico was going to pay for the wall.  Even though there is video evidence, vocal recordings and press reports that he did indeed say Mexico would pay for the wall he is now denying that he said it.  Often lies are covered up with other words such as misspoke, misrepresentation, mistake, or error.  However, Trumps lies, he purposefully tells people things that he knows are not true.  The other day I read about someone who said that Trump does not lie because he honestly believes what he is saying is true.  Nope, still lying. 

            So, without really picking on the person I know or on President Trump or on you or me because I know I have lied and can imagine you have too.  The question is why do people lie and why do people believe them even when it can be proven they have lied? 

            A major premise of Non-Violent Communication is everything we do and say is a strategy to meet a need.   We may not be aware at the time what that need might be, we may not be mindful of why we do what we do, but we are attempting to meet a need.  Without this mindfulness there is a good chance our need will not be met. 

            As I was going through training in NVC (Non-Violent Communication) my Sensei told us when people lie, they are doing their best to protect themselves.  The need lying meets is protection – when we lie, we attempt to protect ourselves from ourselves or others.  What this means is we lie to make sure others don’t hurt us or get hurt.  We lie to protect people from the truth because as in the movie A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth.”  We believe the other person cannot handle the truth and we want to protect them to keep them safe or perhaps we tell ourselves they can’t handle the truth to protect us.  However, when the truth is learned we quickly learn they could handle the truth they cannot handle being lied to.  The latest lie coming from Trump brings out the other point.  The world knows that Trump has said Mexico will pay for the wall, so why lie and continue to lie.  The reason is the second aspect of lying, protecting yourself from yourself.  Let me explain what I mean.  Trump is lying to protect himself from himself.  He is like all of us when we tell ourselves things that are not true.  Trump has told himself that he is a wonderful deal maker, he is the best.  He does this to cover the fact that he is not a very good deal maker – just check his track record.  Trump does not connect with who he really is, he is in his mind a great person, wonderful deal maker, great friend, and always tells the truth.  Hence, his use of the phrase “Fake News.”  So, in order to keep himself away from who he really is, he lies, he lies to cover up all things he has said and done.  He lies to attempt to continually present himself as this fantastic person, the best person who has ever lived.  He lies to protect himself from himself – he lies to protect himself from realizing that he has done harm to himself, his family, and in the case of being president, the world.  So, he has the best, largest inauguration ever and no, he did not say Mexico would pay for the wall. 

It is important to recognize that no one can talk him into believing he has lied.  He is entrenched in believing he has not lied, even with video evidence, because if he confessed he lied in his mind, his world would come to an end.  Which interestingly enough is a lie he tells himself constantly.  So, as we speak of Trump – he lies, a lot, is confronted about it, ignores the confrontation and continues to lie because he is protecting himself from himself.  He is telling himself he is the best president ever, nothing will convince him otherwise, he is telling himself he is the best business man ever, nothing will convince him otherwise.  He lies to protect himself from himself, from who he really is.  He is too scared to connect with who he really is, so he lies to keep the façade alive as to who he thinks he is, the person he has created to protect himself from who he really is.    

            Interestingly enough that is why we all lie – to protect ourselves from others or from ourselves.  The joy of NVC is to be able to connect with who we really are, what is really happening for us right now, what are we doing and what need are we meeting.  Poor Donald Trump does not experience that joy, he, at present is not able to connect to why is his doing what he is doing.  He is hiding the real Donald Trump from us. He is not able at this time to connect with the person he really is so who he presents to us is someone who is disconnected and appears uncaring and shallow. 

            So, people lie, Donald Trump lies but the question remains, why do people believe the liar – why do people believe Donald Trump when it can be proven he lies?  Ironically it is a strategy to meet the same need – protection. 

            Let’s look at the current situation with the wall.  People have been inundated with the fear that “they” are coming to get you and yours.  When people in power and position say something, we have been trained to believe them.  This is the case.  Our president has said over and over there is a crisis at the border, people who cross the border illegally are coming to get you and they will kill you and take your belongings.  There is a very real atmosphere of fear.  What does one do when one is afraid – protect yourself.  That is what is happening.  There is fear, that fear is stoked by more claims and accusations then we must believe the one who is supposed to protect us from this danger.  We must build a wall.  You see it doesn’t matter what Trump says, the fear is instilled, we must protect.  Oh, and by the way don’t try and talk these supporters out of being afraid, they will either deny they are afraid or come up with information that backs up their fears.  What then can be done?

One thing that can’t be done is to call a person a liar – it just doesn’t work, Trump is a prime example.  He doesn’t care he will continue his life alienating behavior no matter.  No one in the world has ever calmed down when told to calm down.  So it is when someone is not telling what actually happened.  Remember the goal of NVC is not to “fix” the person who is perceived to have a problem.  No, the goal of NVC is to find strategies where everyone’s needs can be met.  Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC tells a story in his book, Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, 3rd ed. that relates to our situation well.  He tells of seeing his younger son taking a fifty-cent piece from his sister’s room.  He asked, “Did you ask your sister whether you could have that?”  “I didn’t take it from her” was his response.  Visual evidence pointed to the fact that he took the money however, to protect himself he denied that he had taken the money.  One of the options Dr. Rosenberg had was to call him a liar which would not have gotten anyone’s needs met. He could also do something different.  He could either empathize with his son in that moment or he could express what he was feeling and needing.  He describes it wasn’t so much what he said but what he did.  He listened and heard his son’s fear, his need was to protect himself – so he did not tell what actually happened.  Dr. Rosenberg goes on to say by empathizing with his son he was able to make an emotional connection where both of them could have their needs met. 

“People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault”

 Marshall Rosenberg

            So, what can we do?  Don’t blame – hard to do I know. With those who believe the stories of the president we need to empathize and listen to their fear.  Contribute to them and encourage them to connect with their need and help them find strategies to have their needs met that are life affirming, where everyone’s need is met, even those who are attempting to come into our country.  It doesn’t mean there will not be frustration, anger, sadness for you and them, but if they are not heard their strategy will not change because they do not know what they need.  As for you, stay connected, stay compassionate with yourself, stay connected with your needs and by all means do not hesitate in letting people know what you are needing. 

“The spirituality that we need to develop for social change is one that mobilizes us for social change”

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

As for Trump, in a power over situation, which is what we have, we must continue to let those in power know what we are feeling and needing.  Stay active!  Mobilize, write, call and discuss what is happening and what you are feeling and needing.  Continue to speak out, do not give up on your feelings and needs.  Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication the “Magic Show” keep active, keep moving, stay connected and watch the magic show.

Joy to you!

Mark

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The Giving Scale: Don’t Let Fear Steal Your Joy

On Sunday Dan Sauvageau, a developer from Roseville, California, took his heavy-duty GMC truck with a 16-foot livestock trailer into Magalia after the fire to rescue animals. Locals had told him they had seen dogs and cats in the area, and he came out with 14 lost pets that he took to a makeshift shelter near the Chico airport. He had planned to go home, but stayed into the next day to rescue more animals in Butte County.

“I love animals, but more I hate the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. It’s the worst feeling,” he said. “Those people down there feel helpless and I want to help pull out as many (animals to safety) as I can,” he told David K. Li, a reporter for NBC news.

Dane Ray Cummings, a Waste Management driver, had just been called off his route in Magalia, California due to the fire that was nearing town. Eric Levenson, a CNN reporter describes how Cummings decided to make a last minute check on some of the elderly on his route and found 93-year-old Margaret Newsom in the street. Her morning caregiver wasn’t there and she hadn’t been able to call anyone because her phone and electricity were off. She had gathered up her medications and using her walker had made her way to the street.

With some help from neighbors she was lifted into the cab and her walker was strapped to the side of the truck. On the way out of town Cummings called a co-worker, Brian Harrison, to let him know he wasn’t sure with to do with his passenger. Harrison, a single dad, said it was a “no brainer” she was going to stay with him.

Newsom has no family in the area, and they have found it will be several months before she can return to her home. Harrison’s children were excited to hear that. “They’ve grown to love her. They just want to keep her,” he said. Or as Newsum put it, “I’m like a stray puppy the kids fell in love with.”

CNN reporter, Melissa Gray, shared the story of Leland Ratcliff, captain of the US Forest Service’s Feather River Hotshot crew and one of over 50 firefighters that continue to fight fires although they have lost their homes. Captain Ratcliff saw the flames coming in enough time to evacuate his family and pets and grab a few important papers. He then had the choice of going back to save more of the family belongings, or go warn others of the impending danger. He chose the latter, not only warning people but also rescuing them and transporting them to a safe location. With that choice, he lost valuable family mementoes that can never be replaced.

Jarrod Hughes, a sergeant with the Colusa Police Department, had just enough time to get his son and pets out safely before the fire took his house as well. He knew he had to go back and help.

 

When asked if he considered himself and others like him brave, he paused and then replied, “No, I don’t know. No. We just do what we do because we like it. We like helping people. The adrenaline rush and helping people. We like making a difference.”

 

We like making a difference. That is the common thread in all of the above stories. People want to help other beings. Can you remember the last time you helped someone? Can you remember how it felt? It’s magical. Marshall Rosenberg calls this the greatest need. We want to contribute to others above all else. We are social creatures. It is our nature to want to connect with others, to bond with others, to help each other.

 

I would argue that our primary needs are not, as Maslow described, based on physical comfort and safety. We see too many instances of people helping others at a risk to their basic comfort and safety. Our most primary needs are to contribute to and connect with others.

 

What keeps us from doing this? Stories. Stories we hear and tell ourselves about a threat to our own comfort and safety can sometimes get in the way of giving ourselves the joy of contributing and connecting. Stories about others coming to take what we have, stories about what others will think, all kinds of stories that keep us afraid and prevent us from giving to others.

 

Matt Ketchum, living in the Bay area of California, was planning on spending Thanksgiving with his sister in Texas. David Debolt of Bay Area New Group described how Ketchum just couldn’t bring himself to spend money on the plane ticket knowing there were people who were homeless after the Camp Fire. “So the heavy equipment operator who’s been working in the Bay rented a 15-passenger van, called his friend Austin Caldwell of San Jose, and headed for Chico. His company gave him a fuel card, his union, Local 3, donated $200 in Visa gift cards and a family friend who owns an insurance business in Half Moon Bay donated $600 in $20 Target gift cards.” Both these men were able to silence the stories in their minds about why they shouldn’t/couldn’t help, and leapt into unknown.

 

And that is what it takes, a leap of faith. Our hearts call us to these adventures, knowing that is our true calling. We are meant for this, we will find our joy here. We don’t make it easy on ourselves. We tell others and ourselves stories everyday about how scary our world and each other are. Just look at the headlines. Climate change will batter the economy. Man shot at mall packed with shoppers. Rain complicates finding remains from California fires.

 

But what can we do? How do we get to the place where we can give from our hearts to each other? And believe me, we only want to do it willingly. We’ve all had experiences of doing things because we should or have to. They will cost others and us in the long run. No, we have to figure out how to see past the fear, and want to jump.

 

 

It’s a balancing act really, how to tip the scale more towards our desire to give and less towards all the stories feeding our fear. That’s the trick. We can work at it from both ends of the scale. On the fear side we can lighten the load by trying to look objectively at what is causing the fear. Is it really as bad as we are telling ourselves? Can we do anything to help ourselves feel safe? Ultimately, we have to get at it with the power of emotions. Our stories are powerful, and they will fight our attempts to “think” our way out of them. What really works is facing them head on, acknowledging our longing to feel safe, and then tapping into our memories of feeling safe in the past. Feel those memories in our bones, our gut, and our heart. Let the peace of safety wash over us and float in it. Now use that same power on the giving side of the scale. Remember a time you really enjoyed contributing. Feel it throughout your body, celebrate that joy. There! Now you are ready! Jump into that unknown and connect with someone else, feel the joy the universe has been waiting for you to claim.

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Nobody Plays Soccer Wearing High Tops

“Observation without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti

Years ago, I was getting to play an indoor soccer game. While I was warming up I noticed a new player show up for the other team. I had not seen him before, but I noticed how he was dressed. He was wearing a red long sleeve shirt, cut off shorts and high-top tennis shoes. I can still hear myself laugh. That’s not how “real” soccer players dress. Real soccer players wear proper shorts and shirts and they don’t wear high top tennis shoes – they wear soccer shoes. This guy had the be the worst looking soccer player I had ever seen. There was no way he was any good, he didn’t look like he would be very good. During that game he scored 6 goals and played fantastic, as a matter of fact he left after the third quarter because the game was virtually over then. He was all over the field playing defense when needed and he definitely played offense. He was the best player on the field, he kicked our butts. This story is a great example of observation vs. evaluation. When I let my observation of the player leak into an evaluation of how he would play the game that is where I lost it. Rather than simply observing what the player was wearing I evaluated his playing ability on what he wore. That evaluation affected the way I played against him and really did not allow me to see the real player. That’s what evaluation does, it clouds the situation where we are not able to see the other person outside of our evaluation.
One of the challenges and joys of Nonviolent Communication is the concept of Observation vs. Evaluation. As a matter of fact, Observation is the first step in NVC. It allows us to see the situation as though we were looking through a video camera. Simply seeing the facts of what is happening without any judgement. This opens up communication about what is happening that affects me. We have been trained otherwise however. We have been trained in cultural evaluation. When we evaluate we put the other person below us, we are better, we know better, it is a power over situation. They look funny, they sound different, they smell, they whatever… In a power over situation the one assuming the power put limitations on the other person and views the other as inferior in some way. When we evaluate, the other person often hears it as criticism.
“When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist what we are saying.” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
Can you imagine what the high-top soccer player would have thought about my evaluation of his appearance, criticism – because that is what it was! When there is evaluation there is no connection with the other person(s). A gap has been formed.
I have the pleasure of facilitating NVC and recently spoke about about Observation vs. Evaluation. I showed them a video of Susan Boyle during her first appearance on Britain’s Got Talent. Notice the faces of the judges and audience as she comes on to the stage. Notice Simon when he asks her her age and who she would like to be as successful as. He rolls his eyes and the audience reacts with disbelief. You see she is 47 years old and wants to be as successful as Elaine Page, a very famous English singer. The room seems to be full of cultural evaluation. How can someone who looks like Susan Boyle, acts like Susan Boyle or is as old as Susan Boyle be any good and even come close to Elaine Page. Also, unknown to the audience and judges Susan Boyle is experiencing Asperger’s and is on the autism spectrum. Ah, then, she sings. A room where most everyone thought this would be a waste of time became instant fans. She moved through their evaluations, their “she can’t be any good” ideas to show her value and her talent. A wonderful thing about Susan Boyle is she did not view their evaluations as criticism, she ignored their views and charged ahead with her dream. Everyone in the room is very glad she did. As you view the video you can see the gap between Susan and the judges and the audience widening as the evaluation grew. It was almost as though they simply wanted to get this over with so they could move on. As Piers Morgan said following her performance “Without a doubt that was the biggest surprise I have had in three years on this show.” Morgan goes on to sum up the evaluation in the room when he states, “When you stood there and said you wanted to be like Elaine Page everyone was laughing, no one is laughing now, that was stunning.” All the judges and the audience agree.
When we evaluate we miss out on so much, we waste so much time, we do not get to “see” the other person as a person, only as someone who is lesser than us. When we observe we are open to seeing the other and enjoying the connection with that person. When we observe we see the facts around the person, he is wearing high-tops or she is wearing a yellow dress and remove labels and evaluations there is an opening to connect, to celebrate, to realize what we are needing and what they might be needing. Without evaluation there is awareness and life-affirming connection. Without evaluation there can be a “mutual giving from the heart!”

Joy to You!

Mark

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Change the World

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Don’t Worry, Everything Will Be All Right!

I’m a worrier it’s true. It seems I worry about everything. I have come to understand something, telling someone who worries not to worry is like telling someone who is upset to calm down. In all the history of telling people to calm down no one has calmed down. So it is with worry.

 

I imagine it stems from the loss of my father when I was 3 years old, but I am very fearful at times that something devastating will happen where I could lose everything. So, I worry.

 

I have read articles on how to stop worrying, I have watched videos, I have talked with people and guess what, I still worry. I wonder, do you? Here’s how it works for me and maybe for you.

 

Something will come up for me, let’s say I have a pain in my leg that I have never had before – worry strikes – what if it is serious, what if…. so the worry begins. Once worry has begun then comes reasoning. You know what that is if you are a worrier. You try to reason yourself out of the concern. Something like, oh, I remember bumping my leg yesterday or checking out the other leg to see if it feels the same, or how about this one, going on the internet to check out leg pain to make sure you are all right and not going to die. Any of this sounds familiar?

 

During my quest to remove worrying from my life I have heard sayings such as: “Just let it go” “Think of something different” “It will be all right” “Pray about it” the list goes on and on. Guess what – nothing worked. I tried to let it go, think of something different, talking it out, etc. but the worry stayed.

 

In my life I have done a good job of developing a way of hiding my worry. I can imagine there are a lot of people who don’t even know I am a worrier. But to those who do know I bet I can be a real pain in the ass as I fret and stew about, in this case, the pain in my leg.

 

Sometimes I think people are simply trying to talk me out of worrying because I am a real pain when I am caught up in a worry panic and I’m sure life would be easier for them if I would stop. I wonder if you have worry panics. When they occur the person is consumed with the thought that something bad is going to happen. For me it is the thought that I have made a mistake, a poor choice and as I mentioned earlier I will loose everything. This is a very real panic. I have panicked that a family member or I would lose jobs that would change our lifestyle, I have worried that something bad has happened to a family member when they did not arrive at home at the time they said they would. Hell, I have worried that I left the front door open when I left the house and the dogs would get out.

 

It is at this point I am so glad for Non Violent Communication. Through NVC I have been able to connect to the need behind the anxiety and fear. I have come to understand that I cannot get rid of the worry but I can recognize it and develop life serving strategies that will help me meet my need of trust and confidence. Through NVC I am able to “turn my ears in” and recognize the worry/anxiety and go to a space where I am calmly able to focus on a strategy that works for me to be able to move. Oh, and there are also physical signs of worry for me. My chest and my shoulder get tight. So, when my mind will not stop thinking and my chest and shoulder get tight what do I do? Here’s my strategy, it works for me, I slow down and connect with the situation that is causing my worry. In this case the pain in my leg. I observe what is going on, my chest and shoulder are getting tight and I am thinking of terrible outcomes to my pain. I connect with what I need, I need peace, calm, and trust. Then I do something that was suggested by Tosha Silver in her book Outrageous Openness. In this book Tosha suggests the use of a “God Box.” Apparently, she was a worrier and she developed the idea of the God Box to help her meet her need of peace. The God Box is simply a box, you can decorate it anyway you wish, where you write out your worries and fears and place them in the box. The interesting point for me is there is no hope that God will take away your worries, rather you place the worries in the box knowing that God is in charge of the outcome.

 

So, I identify the worry situation, write out the concern and place it in the box and allow God to be in charge of the outcome. And for me this works to relieve the panic and worry. This works to slow the mind. I have connected with what was going on for me – leg pain – connected with what I was feeling – anxiety and fear – and connected to the need – peace, confidence and trust – and used a strategy that is life affirming – placed the worry in the God Box. That’s the strategy I use to get my need for peace, confidence and trust met. For me it works.

 

So, for you worriers out there, the challenge is to find a strategy that works for you. Connect with your feelings and needs and find a life affirming strategy to get those needs met. Maybe it is a God Box. And, Don’t worry, be happy!

 

Joy to you!

 

Mark

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Hear Our Pain

What has happened in Charlottesville has been a catalyst for so much pain and anger in our country. We saw very angry white men, some carrying weapons, shouting words that were very painful for many people. We saw physical violence amongst people ending with a car being driven into a crowd injuring many and killing one. We saw a president respond with words that a few found encouraging, but most found lacking the understanding of the pain that was happening. And now there are voices describing all parties involved as ‘guilty’ and crying that violence is not the answer.

That is not helping. Through their pain people hear that kind of language as saying “you are at fault”. They hear it as complacency, as being complicit, as not willing to take a stand. Let me be clear, violence is not the answer, but telling people that isn’t going to help. There is something that will help. It’s a language of the heart developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It’s not nice; it’s authentic. Dr. Rosenberg developed this language not because violence was “wrong”, but because he knew violence didn’t work. It never works. Not for real change. Dr. Rosenberg has us ask ourselves not only what we want others to do, but also why we want them to do it. That’s very important because if people aren’t making more life-affirming choices because they want to, it won’t be real, it won’t last.

We are seeing that continue to be played out with racism in our country. Many of us are feeling angry and hopeless that something we hoped was changing doesn’t seem to be. Some of us are frustrated that others are just now seeing it hasn’t been changing as fast as we hoped. We didn’t address the “why” when we started pushing for racial justice. We never have. We just keep using shame and blame to push for the change. So people just hide what they really think and use more subtle forms of racism, unless they feel comfortable, and then it pops out again. This is the “politically correct” speech we hear talked about. There are people longing to have the freedom to say what they really believe.

So how do we really get the change we are longing for? Oh, it’s going to be difficult. Really, it is. We have got to give the people that are stimulating so much pain in us empathy. We aren’t doing it to be a “good person”, but because the only way those people are going to hear the pain we are experiencing, the only way they are going to take responsibility for this, is for them to get empathy first.

It’s not like Dr. Rosenberg hasn’t personally experienced this, he has. He once got into a cab and not long after the cab driver got a call about the next fare that needed picked up at a synagogue. The cab driver immediately muttered something about the ‘kikes’ that wanted nothing but to cheat people out of their money.

Here is his response:

“For twenty seconds there was smoke coming out of my ears. In earlier years, my first reaction would have been to want to physically hurt such a person. Instead I took a few deep breaths and then gave myself some empathy for the hurt, fear and rage that was stirring inside me. I attended to my feelings. I stayed conscious that my anger wasn’t coming from my fellow passenger nor the statement he had just made. His comment had triggered off a volcano inside of me, but I knew that my anger and profound fear came from a deeper source that those words he had just uttered. I sat back and simply allowed the violent thoughts to play themselves out. I even enjoyed the image of actually grabbing his head and smashing it. Giving myself this empathy enabled me to focus my attention on the humanness behind the message…I tried to empathize with him, to hear his pain. Why? Because I wanted to see the beauty in him, and I wanted him to fully apprehend what I had experienced when he made his remark.” (Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Ed.)

So we now need the kind of warriors that have the courage to be with the pain that is happening right now, and then have the ability to give people enough empathy that we can get them to hear and grieve the pain their choices are responsible for. I have no doubt that many if not all of the people espousing white supremacist beliefs are in pain. And I think they believe the choices they are making are the right choices, but they aren’t. There is so much pain out there, and has been. It’s manifesting itself now. Now can be the time for real change. Now can be the time people learn to behave in more life affirming inclusive ways, but do it because they understand when others are in pain, they are as well. They will change because they want to, it will be a change that works for everyone.

This isn’t hiding in complacency; this is stepping out in courage, confronting pain and giving empathy. This is holding people responsible for their thoughts, words and actions. This will in itself be painful, but it will be so much better than what we have already been living in. This isn’t being nice; this is being effective.

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Celebration

Thought I would give a compassionate interpretation to this weeks lectionary reading

Lectionary for July 30, 2017

Celebration at Gibeon

 

Hebrew Scriptures:

 

1 Kings 3:5-12New International Version (NIV)

At Gibeon the Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you.”

Solomon answered, “You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day.

“Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties.Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?”

10 The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice,12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.

 

I Kings 3: 5-12 in Compassionate Language:

 

At Gibeon the Lord God appeared to Solomon in a dream and said, “I want to contribute to your life, what is alive for you right now?” Solomon answered, “God I so appreciate your kindness toward my father, David. Your kindness made his life easier and more joyful. Your connection with him stimulated for him confidence and hope. And now, your kindness has continued with the giving of an heir to the throne.” Solomon continues, “Now, my Lord, I am still very young, 20 years old and have no experience in carrying out the duties of a King. So, I ask for connection, continued connection to you and the ability to connect to those I contribute to, those I serve as king. I ask for an open and compassionate heart, and a kind spirit.” “With these things I will be able to be open to hearing the people, I will be able to respond with understanding and compassion, I will be able to connect to the God within them.” The Lord responded, “Connection, compassion and understanding are very important to you. You did not ask for money, revenge or power. You understand that “power with” is life affirming.” God continued, “So, listen with compassion, listen for feelings and needs. Connect with those you serve and together with them you can discover strategies that will grow your kingdom, not in land or wealth, but in giving to each other from the heart and caring for each other.“

Joy to you!

Mark

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Scary Honesty – Or The Truth Will Set You Free

John 8:31,32

 

31 So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

 

How often do we let our fear of the perceived outcome stop us from being honest about what we are feeling and needing? Can you remember being taught how to respond, “Say you are sorry,” “Say thank you.” “Shake hands and quit arguing.” How many times have we been in a situation where we did not communicate what we were feeling or needing, but rather went along with the crowd? How often have we not been honest because we were afraid of the outcome if we were honest? How often – weekly, daily, by the minute. In this passage Jesus communicates how to be free – by the truth we are free.

 

One of the first stories I read about Marshall Rosenberg was a story when he received a large check from someone who said he should use it to buy something the donor had in mind. Marshall looked at the check and then handed it back to the donor and said he could not accept it for the item the donor wanted it to go for. He was honest with the donor and met his need for integrity. There was a chance his honesty could have cost him a lot of money from this donor. The donor asked him what he would want to use the money for and he gave another item that he thought he needed more for his work in NVC. Hearing what Marshal said the donor gave the check back to Marshall and said he should use it for the item he mentioned.

 

Silly example I know but it carries with it the same understanding that Jesus was talking about. Be who you are, state what you are feeling and needing and be free with your interaction with others and you will be free! Marshall goes on to call this “Scary Honesty” because it may stimulate fear or other emotions in others when one does not act the way they have been “taught” to act.

 

Compassionate Translation

 

“So Jesus gave clarification to those who had an interest in what he was saying. “I want to contribute to you, would you like some input? If you practice connecting with yourself, being in the presence of the Divine, then you will know what you are feeling and needing. Don’t give that away! For a true connection you have to be honest, honesty is as important as empathy. Don’t let fear stand in the way of connection. Communicate your feelings and needs, connect with the Divine and know, you are responsible for what you say and do but others are responsible for what they hear and how they respond. This is the truth – a freeing truth.”

 

Joy to You!

 

Mark

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Scary Honesty – Or the Truth Shall Set You Free!

 

John 8:31,32

 

31 So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

 

How often do we let our fear of the perceived outcome stop us from being honest about what we are feeling and needing? Can you remember being taught how to respond, “Say you are sorry,” “Say thank you.” “Shake hands and quit arguing.” How many times have we been in a situation where we did not communicate what we were feeling or needing, but rather went along with the crowd? How often have we not been honest because we were afraid of the outcome if we were honest? How often – weekly, daily, by the minute. In this passage Jesus communicates how to be free – by the truth we are free.

 

One of the first stories I read about Marshall Rosenberg was a story when he received a large check from someone who said he should use it to buy something the donor had in mind. Marshall looked at the check and then handed it back to the donor and said he could not accept it for the item the donor wanted it to go for. He was honest with the donor and met his need for integrity. There was a chance his honesty could have cost him a lot of money from this donor. The donor asked him what he would want to use the money for and he gave another item that he thought he needed more for his work in NVC. Hearing what Marshal said the donor gave the check back to Marshall and said he should use it for the item he mentioned.

 

Silly example I know but it carries with it the same understanding that Jesus was talking about. Be who you are, state what you are feeling and needing and be free with your interaction with others and you will be free! Marshall goes on to call this “Scary Honesty” because it may stimulate fear or other emotions in others when one does not act the way they have been “taught” to act.

 

Compassionate Translation

 

“So Jesus gave clarification to those who had an interest in what he was saying. “I want to contribute to you, would you like some input? If you practice connecting with yourself, being in the presence of the Divine, then you will know what you are feeling and needing. Don’t give that away! For a true connection you have to be honest, honesty is as important as empathy. Don’t let fear stand in the way of connection. Communicate your feelings and needs, connect with the Divine and know, you are responsible for what you say and do but others are responsible for what they hear and how they respond. This is the truth – a freeing truth.”

 

Joy to You!

 

Mark

 

Please like & share: