Archives for March 2016

#nomoreviolence

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Empathic Understanding

empathicunderstanding

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#nomoreviolence

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Restorative Justice

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Contact

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Suffering

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Getting Rid of the Enemy Image

Although we all have enemy images, this political season seems to be stimulating even more. What is an enemy image? Enemy images are thoughts that turn people into things by evaluating them. When I say my co-worker is lazy, that’s an enemy image. When I say my husband is clueless, that’s an enemy image. When I say a politician is another Hitler, that’s an enemy image. Anytime we evaluate someone negatively, we are developing an enemy image. We tell ourselves, “but they are lazy/clueless/Hitler! If we don’t identify the problem we will never be able to do anything about it!” The real problem however is not them; it’s us. It’s our unmet needs, and as long as we aren’t aware of this, “the problem” will never get solved.

We have been taught since we were little to develop enemy images of people, so it feels “natural”. The problem with enemy images however is they get in the way of really getting issues resolved. Getting rid of the enemy image is probably the hardest part of getting issues resolved. Perhaps you tell yourself you would never tell that person the negative thoughts you are thinking. You tell yourself it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t say it. But you know it does. You know that once you have those kinds of thoughts about another person, it comes out somehow. It comes out in body language, it slips into verbal language, it comes out in the energy you project. You know this because you have felt it yourself. We have all known people that never said anything negative to us, but we just knew they didn’t like us. That’s why it is so hard to have the kinds of empathic conversations with people that really get at our needs when we have the underlying enemy images. No amount of “right words” seems to change the conversation.

That’s the reason it’s so important to disarm the enemy image first. Once we can start seeing each other without that image it’s amazing how easily we can then come up with solutions to get everyone’s needs met. Let’s take two of the above examples apart to see how we can get rid of the enemy image.

If you have ever had a job, you have probably experienced the first one. It’s a busy day at work and you are running around doing your best to keep up. You notice you aren’t seeing one of your co-workers very much; they seem to be “missing” when things get really busy. When you do see them, you find yourself having to ask for help, when you really hoped they would just jump in. You find yourself feeling more and more angry, and the “lazy” thought pops into your head. I mean why else would they be acting like this? Not only that, but you find as you get more tense that you when you do ask for help they seem hesitant, or you just decide it’s easier not to even ask. What do you do?

First you need some empathy yourself. To get into the place where you can start to imagine what needs the other person is trying to meet, you need to give yourself empathy. This means observing yourself, identifying your needs and feelings and then getting clear on a request you may have. These are the four steps of empathic communication as developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. You may be telling yourself, “I can’t get all of this work done. They just keep piling on more and more and nobody seems to care. I certainly shouldn’t have to find my co-worker and ask them to do this, they should know their job.” Now check into what kinds of feelings you are experiencing when you tell yourself this. More than likely it’s frustration and anger. From there you can decide what needs you have that aren’t being met; probably a need for support, consideration and maybe even some ease. Your request might be to be able to ask for support with a higher chance of getting that met. Getting clearer on this for you leads to having a little more space to start to guess what’s going on for your co-worker.

The goal is to be able to have a conversation in which both of your needs get met, and it’s more likely that will happen if you can change your perception, your energy. First the observation again: what have you actually observed in this situation? The observation has to be just what a camera or video would record, without any evaluation. So you haven’t seen your co-worker, for how long? You decide it’s been the last 10 minutes. When they did return you saw them standing by the desk talking to someone else. That observation is a long way from your evaluation of lazy. Get creative and start to think what may have been going on for them. One guess could be they have been in the bathroom for the last ten minutes, and are now talking to someone about how ill they feel. That story could be just as valid as the story that they are lazy and trying to get out of any work. And the benefit to the illness story is you start to feel just a little heart opening to wondering what might be really going on. You don’t have to actually ask them if they are sick, but now you can go to them and make your request without the baggage of the enemy image. It may be this simple, but often we need a bit more time and self-empathy to get to the space where we can imagine something besides an enemy.

There is a political figure at present that is being compared to Hitler. How can we possibly get past this enemy image? We use the same steps: observation, feelings, needs and requests. We observe what we are telling ourselves, “He’s a racist (another enemy image). He will ruin this country. He’s going to alienate our allies around the world. He’s going to take away our free speech.” This could be just a small sample of our thoughts. When we tell ourselves these things we notice we feel angry, frustrated and perhaps fear. Our needs might be to have someone leading our country who has values in alignment with ours, to feel safe, to trust that our values and concerns will be considered. (I imagine these might be the same needs the people who support this political figure may have.) Your request might simply be to be able to talk with friends and family about this figure in a more empathic way.

So let’s try to guess what might be going on for this figure. Let’s start with observation. Most of our observations are about words he has said. “I think Islam hates us… (He is) calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States…When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best…They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people… I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t loose voters.” Another observation is he says these words standing dressed in a suit speaking before crowds of people. Let’s guess at some feelings he may be having. I think there might be anger, frustration and maybe even some fear. I also think he may be feeling some happiness. It’s possible that he wants to support and give voice to people who are feeling anger and frustration, and he is doing that. Just having the image of this person wanting to contribute to people by being their voice, lessens the enemy image.

There is a difference between determining that something doesn’t meet our needs, and evaluating it as bad. I can decide that my co-worker doesn’t work in a way that gets my needs met for support, and still see them as a human with their own needs. I can have the opinion that the words this political figure is saying don’t meet my needs for consideration and inclusivity, but I want to stay away from evaluating him as bad. I want to be able to stay open to discussing him with others in a way that allows us to connect at a deeper level. The kind of level that gets all of our needs met.

Enemy Image 34:12

 

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Obedience

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Dangerous

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The Grief of Divorce

The Grief of Divorce

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of non-violent communication, describes the need to contribute as one of our strongest needs. I think the need to connect, both with others and with ourselves, is also one of our strongest needs. Contributing to others is the easiest way to self-connect. When I talk about self-connection I mean the connection to the divine. It is a feeling of peace, ease and security. I feel this when I’m fully immersed in helping someone else. Anytime we have our needs met, we self-connect. There are people in my life that seem to help me self-connect. I love those people. I want to spend time with those people. Ultimately what I get from connecting with them is self-connection.

I have a friend who has separated from her husband and is probably headed for a divorce. Many of us have either experienced this or know someone who has. It’s usually a devastating process. Marriage is a social contract in which we agree to love and honor the other person for the rest of our lives. That’s quite a promise. When we enter into this contract we are usually getting many of our needs met through the other person or somehow think we will eventually. We are probably not even conscious of those needs, or how we are using or trying to use the other person as a strategy to meet those needs.

At some point though, we start to become unhappy either because the needs are no longer being met, or never have been. Not only that, but after developing the communication habits we tend to do in a relationship we have often developed internal stories about the other person. Without being conscious of these, it can be very hard to have the kind of communication that can lead to resolution of conflict. If I have come to see you as demanding things of me, it’s hard for me to hear you when you make an actual request, I’ll just hear a demand. More than likely I’m also not really conscious of what is making me unhappy, what needs aren’t being met, and therefore have a hard time conveying this to my spouse. It’s also possible that I have figured out how to get needs met without my spouse, and just don’t have the deep connection I used to have with them anymore.

At any rate, the issues are all mine. It’s my needs that aren’t being met. It’s my inability to figure out how I can get those needs met in a way that is respectful of my spouse and it’s my longing to try to find other ways to have connection that may not include my spouse. My friend says her husband has changed, and she doesn’t understand. I think that is true. We all change over life, and many of us choose to find new ways to get our needs met. I want to tell my friend that this change is all about her husband, not her. It takes two to make a marriage, but we are solely responsible for identifying our needs and the choices we make in meeting those needs. I remember when I was separated from my husband. I was so afraid of not having the safety of that relationship that I would have done anything to keep it. That would not have been the best choice for me. As uncomfortable and frightening as it might be to see that relationship dissolve I need to be authentic in any relationship I’m in.

So how does this all connect to grief? I believe grief is the emotion we feel when we self-disconnect. We also feel confusion, anger and other emotions that signify being lost. How am I ever going to find myself again? We are not only feeling the loss of connection to that person, but more so we are feeling the loss of self-connection. That person was a wonderful strategy to getting self-connected and it’s gone now. We may certainly feel some sadness about missing that strategy, but the real angst we feel is from loss of self-connection. That is a need. The relationship with that person was a strategy to help us meet that need.

When we can realize this, when we can identify that need, we can self-connect again, even in the midst of the sorrow and anger. For example, say you are speaking to someone who is grieving about their husband who no longer wants to be with them. This pain of grief hurts so much they aren’t sure they can bear it. So you first open your heart to what they are feeling. “I’m imagining that you are feeling just this overwhelming sadness and loss”, you say. And they agree and go on to describe the depth of the grief. You sit silently with them and hold a space for them to explain just how awful this feels. You don’t try to fix it; you just stay present with them. Then you guess the need, “I’m wondering if you are missing that feeling of peace and ease and joy you had when you were with them?” “Yes!” they exclaim. What they are missing is the self-connection the other person helped facilitate within them. That is a need.

Dr. Rosenberg describes needs as not being person specific. You can have that need met by many other people and situations, including yourself. This is life changing. If you confuse the strategy of meeting the need of self-connection by being in relationship with the other person, with the need itself, then the loss of that person is devastating. How can you ever have self-connection again? But when you can realize that the person was a strategy to meet a need, and that need can be met again, there is hope.

You certainly will mourn the loss of that strategy, the relationship with that other person, but you also know that you can have self-connection in so many other ways. There is no right or wrong, there is no good or bad, there are just two people doing the best they can to get their needs met, and they may no longer be able to figure out how to do that with each other.

 

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