Archives for April 2015

Core Needs

I believe almost all of us experienced trauma during our childhoods. By that I mean almost all of us experienced punishment and shame as part of the discipline our parents used. That is just a part of our culture. Most parenting advice today still involves teaching parents how to control their children(which in itself is violent) by using punishment or rewards. There really isn’t a difference between the two (that’s another post). Either one is supporting your child’s disconnect from their own needs.

When we experienced this disconnect as children we quickly developed strategies to get the needs met. More than likely this need was safety, whether emotional or physical. We developed strategies such as confrontation, avoidance, pleasing or “shutting down” in response to our feelings of anger, anxiety or fear. Now as adults, when we experience some of those same emotions we “short-cut” directly and unconsciously to those strategies we developed as a child. We avoid talking to the person who stimulates those emotions, or we try our best to “please” that person, or we “yell” at them.

If you find yourself having these kinds of reactions to people, and then wondering why you did that; realizing that your reaction may have seemed out of proportion to the situation; feeling regret about what happened; it’s possible you experienced a “short-cut” to a childhood experience unconsciously. This could also be considered a “reactive trance”.

When you are experiencing these emotions and strategies, see if you can remind yourself that you are in a trance. That this may be related to something very powerful from your childhood. When you are calmer, take a few moments to explore the emotions and try to determine you need/s. With practice you will probably find an emerging theme. A particular need or two that had become so core for you that you will react almost and immediately with strong emotions. Once you have identified this you can start to become conscious of this and begin the life-long process of unwinding this thread. You can reset this over time.

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A Happier Life!

How to get a happier life:

Understand what you want. Make a request for what you want, not for what you don’t want.Understand that what you want is already within you.

Understand what you want. According to Marshall Rosenberg we all have the same needs; and wants and needs are the same thing. I believe we may prioritize these differently from person to person, and from moment to moment, but they are universal. The highest need overall is to contribute. We have all felt the joy of having given to another. I believe that it what we are here on this earth to do; to experience the joy of contributing to each other.

We have not been taught how to recognize what we need. As a matter of fact, we have been taught from childhood to not focus on our needs. It’s considered selfish. We have even decided that wants and needs are different. You will hear people say, “you may want that, but you don’t need it”, as though desires are somehow a ‘bad’ thing. We ultimately at our core know this can’t be correct because we have decided that there are needs we have to have. But we somehow limit this to air, water, food and maybe shelter; whatever the basics are to keep us alive.

But we all have needs and there is nothing wrong with this. According to Dr. Rosenberg, we all have needs related to connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. However, we have confused the strategies to meet those needs with the needs themselves. For example, money is not a need. None of us need money. Now we do need food, and in our culture that requires money, but money is still not the need. And according to Dr. Rosenberg needs are not person-specific. In other words, I have a need for appreciation, but that doesn’t mean I have to get that from a particular person. I can get that need met with any person, including myself.

So how do I know what my needs are if I’ve been taught not to recognize them? That takes some practice. A good way to find your needs is to follow your emotions. Dr. Rosenberg also gives us examples of the emotions we feel when we have our needs met, and don’t have our needs met. When we have our needs met we experience variations on the following emotions: affection, engagement, hope, confidence, excitement, gratitutude, inspiration, joy, exhilaration, peace, and refreshment. Examples of emotions we feel when are needs aren’t being met are: fear, annoyance, anger, aversion, confusion, disconnection, agitation, pain, sorrow, embarrassment, fatigue, anxiety, fragility and yearning.

You can use all of the emotions to self-connect. As a matter of fact, the more you become aware of your emotions on a minute-by-minute basis and use them to connect, the more often you will be in the Flow and be open to having your needs met. So if you are feeling angry, you need to try to figure out what it is you want that you aren’t getting. You might have to tell yourself the story about why you are angry to find that. Focus on what it is you are wanting, not what you are not wanting. It could be you are feeling angry because you want more respect. Or perhaps you want something to be easier. It could be any number of things because anger is just the emotion telling you a need isn’t being met.

You will know when you have found the unmet need. It will resonate very deeply within you. It’s very likely you will actually say an emphatic “yes!” to yourself. It feels good to find it. When you have found it, figure out how to get that. Remember, needs aren’t person-specific. You can just take a moment to remember a time you did get respect, or ease. As you sit in that memory the feeling of having that need met will wash over you. The peace, the contentment, the joy will flood your being. This is the realization that whatever you need is already within you. You can use memories or your imagination to put yourself in the situation where your needs are getting met. You may decide that is all you need.

You may also decide that you want to take an action regarding the situation that stimulated the anger. The decision you make will now be from a different place, with a different energy, and is more likely to give you the result you want. This is where you make a request. The difference between a request and a demand is your openness to a negative response. With a request, you really are open to the other person denying the request. As a matter of fact, with a request, you would only want the other person to grant your request willingly. This is because you understand there is always a cost to a demand.

A demand means you want the person to do something no matter what their desire or need is in the moment. We only have two responses to a demand: refusal or compliance without choice. Both of those will cost both of us. If you demand something of me I am either going to want to push-back and refuse, or I will do it but I won’t get the freedom and joy of being able to contribute willingly to you. I may say or do what you want in your presence, but do something different when you aren’t around. I may want to do it, but I won’t get my need met of your appreciation for what I have done. There is just always a cost. There is also much less likelihood that I will get my need met. There are times when we can’t figure out any other way, but a request is always more effective.

With these steps we stay in the moment and self-connected, experiencing the Divine. This is a practice. It takes time. But it is a concrete way to a happier, more fulfilled life.

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How Do I Know If My Child’s Behavior is Normal?

A parent sometimes feels anxious, wanting to trust that their child is healthy and happy. That their child understands their world and is making choices to get their needs met. Just as we sometimes struggle with self-awareness, so do children. Babies are born with the ability to understand they are a distinct object in their environment. * They continue to explore their environment and how they exist within it as they develop. By the second year children can exhibit embarrassment when looking in a mirror. This signifies their understanding and fear that others may not see them as they see themselves. This is the demonstration that they are learning the belief that another’s response to them is not about the other person, but about themselves. This is the misunderstanding we all have. Marshall Rosenberg teaches that another’s response to us is all about the other person’s needs and feelings. But if children don’t learn that, they will start to develop thoughts and beliefs about themselves based on the mistaken belief that someone else’s responses to them are about them. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this as being educated in the modern world.

Understanding that your child’s behavior is not only developmentally unique, but that is it an expression of their feelings and needs is helpful in determining your response. Also understanding that your response as a parent is totally about yourself, is paramount. Take a moment to let this settle in; it is fundamental. Your response to your child’s behavior is entirely about you, not them.

The American Academy of Pediatrics describes three types of behaviors you see in your child: approved behavior, tolerable behavior and non-tolerable behavior. Examples of approved behavior include doing homework, being ‘polite’, and doing chores. These behaviors fit what we think a child should do. Notice there is no mention of what kinds of feelings and needs are underlying these behaviors. A child could be doing any of these, and at the same time be feeling angry, anxious or sad; all feelings related to unmet needs. What is more important than the behavior is the feeling or energy related to it. When we focus on the behaviors, and not the feelings and needs, we are teaching children that it’s more important to do what other’s want you to do than to express your own needs and try to get them met. So when we observe approved behavior, we are meaning it is behavior that is meeting our own needs. It may be our need for ease (they are doing their homework without my prompting) or trust (they know how to act in the world, they will be alright), but it is our need being met.

The second behavior is tolerable behavior. As you can see this means the behavior is tolerable to us. Our needs may not be met completely, but they are met enough. Again, the behavior isn’t telling us what is going on for our child. What are the feelings and needs they are having in that moment.

With intolerable behavior we feel compelled to do something. We are feeling embarrassment, anxious, angry, some sort of feeling that is telling us our needs aren’t being met. Do you see a pattern here? Evaluating our child’s behavior is actually telling us more about ourselves than our children. If the behavior is actually something that is endangering the child or someone else, Marshall Rosenberg describes using protective use of force. In this situation, we don’t take the time to find out feelings and needs, we step in to stop things. For instance, if your child is running out into oncoming traffic, you will use physical force to stop that child and keep him safe.

Otherwise, the most helpful response for all would be for the parent to talk with the child and figure out what they are feeling and needing. It is also the time to explain to your child how you are feeling and what you need. Then you both can start to work on how both of your needs can be met. By doing this you are modeling that every person’s needs are important and there is a way to figure out how to get everyone’s needs met. It’s a practice that will get easier with time. The parent is also responsible for understanding the developmental level of a child, and if the parent’s needs can be met by the child.

For example, if parents are having difficulties at work, they aren’t getting their needs for appreciation and value met in the workplace, they may be “short-tempered” at home. The angry feeling follows them home. They need to be clear about what is stimulating that anger in themselves, and know it isn’t a child’s responsibility to make them feel better. Bottom line though, you as a parent are doing the best you can in every moment. This is a constant practice, and you have time to figure things out. But it is something you do with your child, not to your child. Normal behavior is a social construct. What you really want is a child that can identify their own needs and figure out ways to get those met that aren’t harmful to themselves or others.

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Helping Your Child Cope With Conflict

The American Academy of Pediatrics has a good article regarding conflict that with just a little tweaking becomes very empathic.

We know according to Marshall Rosenberg that anger is simply a feeling that points to an unmet need. Anger is as normal as any other feeling. The strength of the emotion usually indicates how important the need is. When our children are feeling angry it is about something that is important to them. We can help them to work with this whether they are the one feeling angry or they are encountering someone else feeling angry.

When we become angry our “fight or flight” response is activated. Our heart starts to race, we can’t think clearly and we are full of energy. This comes in handy if we need to quickly get out of the way of something, but not so handy when someone has taken our favorite toy. So it’s helpful to teach our children to slow that response down enough that they can think. When they are feeling angry they can ACT: acknowledge, calm down, and think.

Acknowledge
They first need to learn to recognize and acknowledge that these feelings they are having are called anger, and it means they have an unmet need. It might be helpful to talk with them about these feelings at times they aren’t angry. Have them describe to you a situation when they had these feelings. Let them describe exactly how their body was feeling. This way when they feel those same body responses in the future they can identify they are angry and try the following tips to help.

Calm
First let’s try to slow the body down. Take some deep breaths.Teaching your children to meditate comes in handy here. Have them use those same techniques to focus on their breathing. They can also do some vigorous exercise such as running. This will help expend that extra energy.

Then try clear the mind with some distraction; something other than the problem at hand to help them reconnect to themselves. Many things help us reconnect to the stillness within us. They could listen to their favorite music, recite a favorite poem to themselves, or imagine a favorite place. These things will often remind them of what it feels like to be calm with their needs met.

Think
We can teach our children about the needs that usually are connected with feelings of anger. There are many but often times for our children it may be about fairness, or freedom. Teach them to practice observation rather than evaluation. In other words, “that child took my toy”, rather than “that mean kid stole my toy”. It can help to clarify the situation.Once they can figure out what they need then they can decide the best way to get that met. For our children talking with someone else may help with this. If they think talking to the person who stimulated the anger may get their need met, then certainly do this. If they don’t believe that would help, then perhaps talking to someone else, preferably with empathic skills may help. Help your child to learn that they have the option to “table” this need for another time. It doesn’t mean it’s not important. They have the ability to choose the best place and time to get the need met, and it may not be that place and time.

If your child is faced with another angry child who is choosing to fight as a strategy to get their needs met, then they can use the CALM technique.

Calm Down
Their “fight or flight” response will certainly be stimulated if they are feeling threatened by another child. Use the same techniques mentioned above to calm their body and mind. Teach them to keep their distance. Running will actually accomplish two things here: making a safe distance from the threat and expending energy.

Avoid
Responding to the other child with anything other than empathy will not help the situation. Teach your child not to respond with the same angry words.

Listen
This is where teaching your child non-violent communication will be so helpful. If they can hear what the other child needs they can help the other child to calm down. Teach them never to say “calm down”; this won’t help. What may help is to say, “you sound very angry, I think this is very important to you”. That will usually lead the other child to speak more clearly on what they want.

Move On
Once the conversation has shifted to talking about what the angry person needs, he usually calms down. Your child can even help the other child with ideas on how their needs could get met. It’s also helpful for your child to share what is going on for them once this happens. They may be feeling afraid both of them will get “kicked off of the team” (inclusion is this need) if there is a fight. Once the other person is heard, some authentic sharing may help move the process along. If this isn’t working sometimes the best thing to do is walk away.

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The Importance of Self-Connection

Self-connection means connecting with the Divine. It means peace, joy, ease and security. We choose how we see the world. If we want to see the world with the most possibilities, we need to see the world while connected to the Divine, self-connection. It is very important that we are self-connected before we make decisions, take actions, if we want the greatest possibility of being in the Divine flow of life. This doesn’t mean positive self-talk. We can become self-connected by being authentic about what we are feeling in the present moment and what we need. When we get clear on that, and connect with that, we self-connect.

Needs are not what you don’t have, but what you want. In other words, if you are feeling anxious and want some peace and security, you don’t describe your need as wanting to feel less anxious, but wanting to feel more peace and security. For example, my husband needed to call social security about our son’s recent loss of employment. Our son gets social security and they have to be notified about these things. My husband’s fear was that this new change would somehow cause him to lose his social security. He was really feeling anxious about this and needed to trust that our son was going to be okay. He really needed to trust that he wouldn’t “make a mistake” in communicating this information. He had so many fears about making this call.

If he had made that call in that place of fear and anxiety several things could happen. He wouldn’t be in a place to hear all possibilities. He would have been sending an energy with his communication that would be demanding the person on the other end of the phone “fix” his problem. That energy in itself would make it harder for the other person to actually be able to contribute to him. The whole conversation would be narrower and harder for both of them.

Instead, he identified his feelings and needs and became self-connected before the conversation. His strong desire was to be open to the Flow of life and trust that both he and our son were going to be just fine no matter what happened with the conversation. He entered the energy of connection, of trust, of longing to see what the Divine had in store for both of them. Then he made the call. The woman at the other end then had the possibility of being able to contribute to my husband and by doing that, connecting with herself as well. None of the “scary” stories by husband had been telling himself before he made the call happened. The woman actually gave my husband some helpful advice about our son. It’s amazing how much different life can be when we can self-connect and open ourselves to the Flow of the Divine.

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I’m in a Trance!

There are certain situations, conversations that will cause us to react.LaShelle Charde refers to this an immediate and conditioned behavior that places us in a trance. This is a pattern that we have developed over many years as a result of something that happened that long ago. Once we have become stimulated our reaction is rooted in the past. We aren’t seeing the present clearly because of the often-unconscious memories that we have now connected with the event.

We truly believe that our emotions in that moment are about the other person, when in reality much of what we are experiencing is about the past. We are in a reactive trance. This will often stimulate the person we are speaking to as well. They will also fall into a reactive trance. We all tend to have a consistent pattern in our communication when we are in the trance. We have a type of body language, a tone of voice, certain phrases we us, that signify we are in the reactive trance.

The purposes of identifying a reactive trance are to either become more self-aware, and start to unravel the unconscious past influences on your present life; or to be able to react differently to someone else having a reactive trance. If we can be aware that although the other person is speaking to you, and using your name, they are really caught in and reacting to past experiences, then we can hopefully prevent ourselves from falling into a reactive trance. We can stay connected to ourselves and have an open heart for what is happening for both of us. We can be open to hearing the feelings and needs.

LaShelle Charde offers some helpful universal patterns and associated needshere. She also gives some suggestions about how to respond when someone you are communicating with becomes reactive that include: setting boundaries, honest expression, empathy guessing and offering reassurance. If the other person expresses anger, maybe even rage as part of their reaction, you may want respect and request “I need respect, please say that differently”, or you may even need to state you will have to talk about this later and leave. When emotions are strong you may feel disconnected and it might be helpful to say “I’m feeling disconnected right now and want to be connected as we talk. Can we take a few minutes to pause and take a few breaths”? If you can be connected it will be helpful to guess at what the other person is feeling and needing at that moment. And rather than defending yourself, reassure the person about what you are trying to do.

A couple was having a discussion about leaving the house together in the mornings to go to an appointment. They both believed it was important to honor the time set for the appointment and be on time. However, they each had their own way of getting ready in the morning to leave. One partner had felt some tension in how the mornings were going so he approached the other partner with a request. He was feeling some anxiety about whether they would actually be on time, and wanted to trust they would. He perceived his partner as moving a little more slowly than he did in the morning so he asked his partner if she would agree to a plan where he would give her a 5-minute warning before they were to leave. His hope was she would then be ready to leave in 5 minutes. She agreed.

From his perspective, the next morning he gave her the 5-minute warning and then as they had left the house, she asked if perhaps they needed something that was back in the house. He felt angry, stated they didn’t, and they continued on. From her perspective she was ready before the 5 minutes were up, he was running around getting things done “at the last minute”, and then was trying to hurry her out of the house.

Something as simple as this situation caused a reactive trance in both of them. They both became defensive about what had happened. He felt frustrated that the agreed upon plan had not been honored; she had not kept up her end of the deal by asking about retrieving something from the house after they had left. She felt angry that she had been ready and then he had hurried around and rushed her out at the last minute. A friend suggested they figure out how long the male partner really needed to shower so she wouldn’t think he was rushing and she could remain calm. But this really wasn’t about how long he showered, or whether she was waiting, or any of the other details of what had happened. Instead, this situation was stimulating a reactive trance in both of them.

She was reacting to the thought the she was being “told” what to do. Her strong desire for choice was being stimulated. He was reacting to his need for integrity, his desire to keep that appointment time. These needs are probably core needs to them that follow a thread back to their childhoods. Becoming aware of these reactive patterns help us to develop more self-consciousness and the ability to stay connected more and more. Here is a great article on how to respond to reactivity.

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In God We Trust

I have found the process of non-violent communication as developed by Marshall Rosenberg to be such a helpful tool in growing self-awareness. I was just having a conversation with my husband this morning in which I was able to follow a thread to a much deeper awareness using empathy. We are planning a move soon and need to find a house in the town to which we are moving. Thank goodness for the Internet! It has made moving so much easier. He had found a house online and showed it to me. It looked good. My husband just needed to respond back to get the process started. We needed to ask about pets and perhaps have someone go look at the house, but all of that required a response to get the process started. We agreed that he would respond.

The next day my husband was telling me that he had signed up for Zillow and they had sent two more house possibilities to him. He then said he hadn’t emailed back about the first house we had looked at and continued on talking about houses. I was already stuck on the fact he hadn’t emailed back about the house. I was feeling frustrated so I told him so, and then said “and I would like to trust that when you say you will do something, you do it.” That was my feeling and need at that moment, and although I was close, I knew it wasn’t right.

Dr. Rosenberg has taught us that needs aren’t person specific. I needed to get Mark out of that statement. So I then said, “I need to trust that when I think things are being done, they are”. That felt better. That was a deeper truth that covered not just this situation, but also my life. But there was something deeper; I could feel it. I knew that this need was based on the belief that my choices for life were the best. I don’t want to have that belief. I want to believe that the Divine cares for me and wants to guide my life in the best way possible.

With that realization I knew that what I needed was to trust that no matter what I expected or planned in life, the Divine Flow was always involved and steering me towards the best for me. Yes, that was it! I was celebrating how Dr. Rosenberg’s teachings were such a wonderful tool in helping me connect with my deepest spiritual longings. I could have used my old technique of “forgiving” Mark, but that would have never gotten me the self-understanding I wanted. In God We (Want To) Trust.

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Grief and self-disconnection: Why we grieve

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of non-violent communication, describes the need to contribute as one of our strongest needs. I think the need to self-connect is the strongest need. Contributing to others is the easiest way to self-connect. When I talk about self-connection I mean the connection to the divine. It is a feeling of peace, ease and security. I feel this when I’m fully immersed in helping someone else. Anytime we have our needs met, we self-connect. If I need to be valued, and I experience that, I self-connect. There are people in my life that seem to help me self-connect. I love those people. I want to spend time with those people. Ultimately what I get from connecting with them is self-connection.

This is particularly strong with children. I’m responsible for caring for them. For providing food, shelter and love among so many other things. In return I so often get pure love, appreciation and joy. I think that is why we have such a strong attachment to our children. They are walking, talking “needs meeting” machines!

So how does this all connect to grief? I believe grief is the emotion we feel when we self-disconnect. We also feel confusion, anger and other emotions that signify being lost. How am I ever going to find myself again? What we are having such a strong reaction to isn’t the loss of the connection with the other person, that is a strategy. We may certainly feel some sadness about missing that strategy, but the real angst we feel is from loss of self-connection. That is a need. The relationship with that person was a strategy to help us meet that need.

When we can realize this, when we can identify that need, we can self-connect again, even in the midst of the sorrow. For example, say you are speaking to someone who is crying and explaining how their mother has died and they miss her so much. This pain of grief hurts so much they aren’t sure they can bear it. So you first open your heart to what they are feeling. “I’m imagining that you are feeling just this overwhelming sadness and loss” you say. And they agree and go on to describe the depth of the grief. You sit silently with them and hold a space for them to explain just how awful this feels. You don’t try to fix it, you just stay present with them. Then you guess the need, “I’m wondering if you are missing that feeling of peace and ease and joy you had when you were with them?” “Yes!”, they exclaim.

What they are missing is the self-connection the other person helped facilitate within themselves. That is a need. As Dr. Rosenberg describes, needs aren’t person specific. You can have that need met by many other people and situations, including yourself. This is life changing. If you confuse the strategy of meeting the need of self-connection by being in relationship with the other person, with the need itself, then the loss of that person is devastating. How can you ever have self-connection again? But when you can realize that the person was a strategy to meet a need, and that need can be met again, there is hope.

You certainly will mourn the loss of that strategy, the relationship with that other person, but you also know that you can have self-connection in so many other ways. How does this come around to children? As I said, they are walking, talking “needs meeting” machines. I was so often self-connected when in relationship to my child that I will feel the loss of that strategy very strongly. I think this is why you hear people say, “a child should never die before a parent, it’s not natural”. I believe this is also why the death of a pet can be so painful. Pets can also be living “needs meeting” machines. The hope is knowing self-connection can be found again.

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Empathy: The difference between carrying and caring

carryingEmpathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Marshall Rosenberg

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objective manner. Merriam Webster Online.

This thought of empathy came to me this week after reading an article someone had posted on Facebook about highly sensitive people. My understanding of the article was that highly sensitive people, or empathic people, can become overwhelmed by another person’s issues because they are so tuned into the emotions. From my experience with nonviolent communication the issue is more about carrying versus caring.

There is a big difference in the above two definitions regarding experiencing the others feelings. According to Marshall Rosenberg, empathy involves a respectful understanding of the others experience. This is exactly how I experience empathy when using nonviolent communication. I don’t usually feel the feelings they are experiencing, probably because I am focused on understanding completely what is going on for them. The way of understanding this in nonviolent communication is to identify the feelings and then try to understand the needs that are generating the feelings. When I am fully engaged in this process I “disappear” and meld with the other person. I am fully hearing and understanding what is going on for that person. I am also not thinking that I am responsible for the situation in any way, which means I’m not responsible for “fixing” them or making them “feel better”. After fully hearing them, if one of their needs is more understanding or support, I may ask if they want any suggestions, but the role of empathy is to just understand.

The concept of responsibility is very important in this process. If people think they have some sort of responsibility in the process of empathy they start to lose the ability to care and begin to carry. In other words, my belief that I’m responsible to “fix this” starts to drive my own needs. I no longer “disappear” because I have my own needs I’m trying to get met while listening to you. I am now “carrying” you, and things become complicated. I wonder if this is what’s happening to highly sensitive people that are becoming overwhelmed with another person’s emotions. I’m wondering if they are taking responsibility and trying to “carry” the other person. I believe empathy involves the ability to “disappear” which means I can’t have my own issues involved while providing empathy to you.

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